I caught my husband pleasuring himself to porn! Isn’t that cheating?

What is considered cheating these days? Is cheating only when someone has sex with someone else outside of the marriage, or is there more to what could, or should, be considered cheating than what meets the eye? I have heard some responses on this before, and one response I hear is, yes, they consider it to be cheating because instead of having that intimate experience with his wife, he would rather just do it himself. It makes the woman feel low about the way she looks, and that her husband may not be attracted to her anymore. But, on the other side of the coin, I have heard people say it’s perfectly normal, and that they would rather he pleasure himself instead of going at it with another woman.

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 This is a tough one, and I really don’t think there could be one right or wrong answer. I think it varies from person to person. If your spouse thinks you’re the hottest person in the world and reassures you of that constantly, would catching him in the act one or two times erase all those feelings you thought he had for you?

When married people pleasure themselves to porn, that doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t attracted to the person they’re married to. Sex is actually a huge part of our biology, and some people make it the biggest part of the relationship. Sex and love can be separate because you don’t need to be in love in order to have sex, but it can also be the PHYSICAL showing of love. So why would someone question the LOVE their partner has for them because they walked in on them pleasuring themselves to porn?

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This blog is filled with a lot of questions because, as I said above, this is something that varies from person to person. There is no right or wrong answer. So you need to sit and answer these questions based off of how you feel, then decide what you think about porn in your marriage and what it actually means to your relationship.Image

I asked a group of women on my Breastfeeding/Mama Talk page last night if they considered their spouse pleasuring themselves to porn to be cheating, and a lot of the comments I read made me sad.

    Someone said, “Porn kills love.” Those are some pretty deep words for a five minute act and a couple of sex scenes. Are we, as women, so insecure that a man playing “make believe” would make us question everything about ourselves that we thought our husbands were attracted to sexually? Then, on the other side, I heard some women say they didn’t mind because it gives them a break when they’re not in the mood. Let’s face it: With jobs, kids, shopping, cleaning, and cooking, who really has the time to have an awesome, thriving sex life? Schedules collide, and the times you two are together, the kids are awake or you’re too exhausted to even think about sex. So would it really be that big of a deal that your other half happened to be in the mood during a time you weren’t and decided to go at it to porn alone? Are your circumstances having your spouse turn to porn, or is it a deeper issue? Those are the questions you have to ask yourself before you explode and feel scorned.

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    Other people said they found it disrespectful and selfish that their husbands would turn to porn because they needed to fulfill their sexual appetite. Is he being selfish, or are you? I have an idea that you can bring up to him the next time you find yourself upset and confused at your husband for watching porn. First, ask him why he would go straight to porn instead of going to you. Then if it is just a little innocent curiosity, maybe suggest that next time you both watch it together. There is nothing wrong with a little kink. If porn somehow fills some sort of sexual void for him, there is no reason that you shouldn’t get to be a part of it. Try it out one or two times to see if you can give him what he’s wanting by being a part of it, too. Who knows? He may like it even better, and next time, instead of him going to the room alone, he may just invite you to come along. There has to be some sort of compromise, especially if his intentions and reasons are genuine. Don’t automatically jump to the conclusion that he no longer finds you attractive or doesn’t long for you sexually.

Sex is a huge part of everyday life, and most men are visual creatures. Have you ever heard the saying, “sex sells”? Well, it’s true. I understand how confusing it must feel for you, and I get that you’re questioning everything about yourself, but take YOU out of it for a second. Pretend his reasons have nothing to do with you or the way he feels for you. Think of it as him fulfilling a sexual fantasy. Do you absolutely need to be a part of his whole sex life? If the answer is yes, then figure out a way where he gets what he wants, and you get what you want. If it makes you too uncomfortable that he pleasures himself without you around, then figure out a way to include yourself. Ask him what the women are doing in those porn movies that is getting him so hot and bothered, and maybe play a little fun game of “copy the porn”. This is only as big of a deal as you make it. Forbidding him from something like this is only going to tempt him more, and he will find a way to fulfill his need, whether you approve of it or not.

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I’m not taking his side in this by any means, but I’m sharing what I think will help the situation so everyone is happy. If he really, for some reason, does have a sexual need, and you forbid him from fulfilling it, then you are happy and he is not. Both of you should be happy, not just one or the other. Figure out a way to incorporate porn into the marriage if it is that big of an issue in the relationship. Ranting and raving about it may put a temporary fix on the problem, but if the man wants to watch porn, he will find a way, whether it’s hiding Playboys in his tool box or getting a portable DVD player. You want to bring him closer to you if you feel down on yourself, not push him further away. Remember: You are beautiful, and I’m pretty sure he thinks so, too, so don’t jump to conclusions right away.

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~Kristy (creator/author of breastfeeding mama talk)

-Tiffany Thomas Flax (breastfeeding mama talk blog editor)

-Big thanks to Monica Williams and her husband for allowing their pics in this blog.

It really does take an army to keep Breastfeeding mama talk running and I appreciate all the help. No matter how small of a task it is, it helps Breastfeeding mama talk, in a BIG way!

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38 thoughts on “I caught my husband pleasuring himself to porn! Isn’t that cheating?

  1. Porn is okay for single men/women or couples who genuinely don’t care. Personally, I believe porn should NEVER be a substitute for a man or woman while in a relationship! Sure if it’s porn that you guys create together or separate for each other then HELL yeah! But not of other people. It’s cheating to fantasize about being with anyone other than your spouse. If you truly honestly love your spouse and desire her/him to the fullest extent, you don’t need to fantasize about anyone else because there is no desire to. Not ALL men are sexual deviants who care nothing of what their partner feels. Best way to alleviate issues is to have a strong communication with each other. Your mate should be able to tell you his fantasies and you should have a deep desire to fulfill them. And if heaven forbid you should be unable to perform intimate loving sexual acts, you can come to a mutual decision about how that part of your life will be. Every couple has a different view of what and what is not appropriate in your relationship. Some couples decide that swinging is for them, some decide that they like watching their spouse with other people, and some just like the good ol fashioned one on one alone time. It’s for every couple to decide TOGETHER. That’s true love. In my life and relationship, I will not tolerate a man going behind my back and watching another woman and pretend she’s with him. Absolutely not. I think it’s because I’m one of those pleaders that enjoys fulfilling those charitable fantasies.

  2. I find this a non-issue for me, because I masturbate to porn alone all the time. And my boyfriend knows. We love it. Sometimes play with ourselves alone, other times we have sex together, or masturbate/touching each other if we didn’t feel like having sex. Sometimes we race each other to see who can climax through masturbation the most. My bf has unique tastes too, I love observing what he likes, it really helps in a long run. Does he fantasize other people? Yes, and so do I. Masturbating to porn is different from going behind each other’s back and having sex with someone without the significant other’s consent. It doesn’t change our feelings and desire for each other, not even the slightest.

  3. This is how me and my boyfriend are lately (especially because im 8 months pregnant) Tsuki’s comment definitely helps me see this in a different light and defininitely makes me feel a bit more secure about our relationship, he’s the kind of guy who enjoys seeing his spouse masturbate, and i’m an extremely shy person, that being said we recently had a serious problem when I was hospitalized. He was talking sexually with other women while I was there, nothing physical but one of these women was an ex. However, since then i’ve resorted to things I don’t normally do to keep him happy. Obviously he wasn’t exactly satisfied, things are a lot better 🙂

    • I just hope you’re happy too. I’d feel pretty shitty if my boyfriend was talking to other women while I was pregnant and in the hospital. I believe women shouldn’t be so entirely focused on what HE wants that you compromise how YOU feel and put up with things that arent ok. I know I’m a stranger and probably shouldn’t be opening my mouth I just hate seeing women not getting treated like they should. 😦

  4. I cannot begin to understand why this is an issue for women. If you don’t wanna do certain things in bed and your significant other is in to it.. let em watch porn. If you’re at work and your man is horny let him watch porn. If your feeding the baby or chasing the kids around and he wants to get off why is that an issue? Or hey maybe he doesn’t wanna have sex with you cuz you’re such an uptight prude that him watching porn makes you feel unloved. Get off ya high horse. Try it yourself. Try it together. Take joy in your sexuality.

    • Megan, It’s not always like you describe. I have always been a free spirit, carefree, & sexual & I just love adventure.I even tried to join the “Mile High Club” with my husband but he was too scared to do it even though he liked my idea. We often watched porn together & I was definitely never a prude. Anyway, I noticed when we first got the internet, he began refusing me sexually more & more, with all sorts of excuses from being tired to the cliche headache. I began to worry about him, thinking something was seriously wrong; I even made him have a physical exam but nothing was wrong. Then…I began to catch him watching porn & masturbating at all hours of the night while I was sleeping. Eventually, he couldn’t even get it up with me to save his soul but he continued to masturbate to porn, and ignore my sexual needs. You don’t think that begins to hurt & make you feel unwanted? Men can easily turn an interest in porn into a full blown addiction which is what happened with my husband. So, I would never encourage wanking to porn instead of being with your woman. After my husband got help for the addiction, he even told me that while he watched porn, or even when he was with me, he had this huge fantasy world about women that we both know well. Also does not make a woman feel good about herself when she realizes that her husband is thinking of all sorts of other women instead of her. So…I do understand why porn is an issue for some women. Like I said it’s not always how you described it. Sometimes the wounds cut much deeper than the surface shows, and we have to peel back the layers & look much deeper, to find the extent of the wound & the damage it is causing. Porn is definitely not a good idea for some men; it can lead to disaster. I always took joy in my sexuality. However, my husband’s brain was hijacked by porn, so he was not able to enjoy it with me.

  5. Here’s a gopd expetiment. I did it with my husband and his actions have definitely changed in response. I caught him watching porn and I didn’t know what to do. I felt so used and underappreciated. I felt like I was not good enough and all he wanted was to get off, there was no emotional aspect to our relationship. I felt betrayed and alone. So one day I was completely fed up and trying to explain to him hpw I felt, when it dawned on me, turn the tables. So I posed a simple question, “How would you feel if you walked in on me pleasuring myself to other men, with large penises and perfect bodies?” I think that clicked for him, because let’s face it, men are territorial and somewhat egotistical, it’s in their DNA. Now I win’t say he’s stopped looking at porn, because I’d be lying. It has decreased, though to only when I’m holding out and what he looks at has xhanged drastically. I was snooping, (guilty), and what I found was women who looked more like me. It still hurts that he is looking at other women, but now I know that it’s me he really wants. Just asking that question really helped the whole situation, and when he seems to be slipping I remind him that he wants me to be exclusive so it’s only fair that he tries to be.

  6. We get a lot of girls that come to us upset, hurt, and feeling insecure about themselves due to catching their Husband pleasuring themselves. They automatically think that THEY are the problem and that their husbands don’t find them attractive anymore. And in some cases that may just be, but a lot of the times it is not. If I made a blog ranting and raving about how disgusting he is for jerking to porn that would not any of these woman coming to us for HELP. If I sat and said how disturbing it is that would worsen the situation. Woman that do find this to be an actual issue in their marriage need solution well solution or divorce. If it is an actual issue that means a simple ,”Stop watching porn.” Isn’t surficing. Not trying to take sides on either end just insight and maybe a different perspective rather than just jumping to the first obvious conclusion. If it’s something you feel deep in your heart that it’s wrong that he is watching porn then maybe re-think your relationship and what your wants and needs are compared to his. Remember in relationships it’s a give and take. If you don’t want him to watch porn and he complies then maybe you can do something for him in the bedroom like what the girls in the porn were doing that got him off so much. I don’t know just trying to see both sides. Of course ideally it would be great that a husband and wife would only want each other sexually and that’d be that. ~Kristy..

  7. Well ladies here is a thought I made a boudoir photo book with one of my photographers in my studio. For my husband it’s nothing “slutty” or “trashy” I dressed in my best bedroom outfits, heals and did my makeup & hair all nice & did some sexy poses & it’s only for him to look at. So if he were to feel the desire to “get off” I would hope he would just look at the book of me than look at porn! This is just something I’m throwing out there! Good luck to all you ladies 🙂

    • You porn is AWESOMe! There’s nothin wrong with a man enjoying himself to his spouse/ significant other. There is a difference with him doing it to other women. I’ve had the amazing chance at finding not one but 2 men in my life that were ALL about the ME porn. They do exist! It’s not about them enjoying themselves… It’s about how they are doing it. It’s respect and love and devotion and doing it to OTHER women is none of that. If a man wants to look at other women then he isn’t ready for a relationship of exclusion. Porn is also an addiction. Same as gambling, drinking, drugs, and sex, I fully support communication and honesty in a relationship! If a woman wants to make porn with her hubby for him to use when they need they quick fix then do it!! I even highly suggest making sexy videos together for later enjoyment! Heck, he might actually have more fun being the stud star and find more pleasure out of it!!

  8. Perhaps the wife or even husband should be more open to what the other likes. If he/she likes to watch porn then try watching it together. It is no way cheating so that is just stupid in my opinion. As woman we can be so uptight in our relationships that we lose sight of what is important. He is with you because he wants to be but men like porn that is just a fact and it is natural. There is nothing wrong with porn and there is nothing wrong with being open to trying something new. You just might find that it brings you closer together as a couple. My husband and I have been together 4 1/2 years and until about 3 months ago we never knew that we both enjoyed watching porn. In fact we were both scared to let the other know for fear of judgment, but now we can be comfortable and enjoy watching it together or alone. I hate when I hear women complaining about their boyfriend or husband watching porn or looking at sexy photos of porn stars, or even having them for screen savers. Grow up and stop being jealous of someone that he will never meet and stop assuming that he is thinking about her while fucking you. That is usually not the case unless he is a total D-bag in which case learn to choose better men.

  9. An added thought my husband and I made our own little porn video and that is his favorite to watch if I am not around, plus he has a jack off folder filled with nothing but pictures of me.

  10. Just wondering how old some of these woman are? When i was a teenager i got upset about my bf watching porn but then i grew up. It’s totally natural i mean like the blog said sex is everywhere n men are very visual creatures. And how can you get upset about some one masturbating? I mean cmon everyone does it! N if it’s just the porn n not the act of pleasuring himself alone you gotta understand women don’t need to be visually stimulated to get off guys do tho it’s just how they r made it has nothing to do w/ u. Also the female body is beautiful of course he wants top see it that’s how guys are you know spread their seed n all but instead of going out n looking at real naked women he is looking at women he’ll nvr meet n that are totally unattainable. Besides like the blog said who had the time or energy to have as much sex as men want i mean gosh they want it ALL the time! Also I’m willing too bet those girls are doing stuff you won’t. I know I’m not doing most of that crap. I mean if your man has a thing for anal wouldn’t u rather he watch some 5 min video then do it yourself or worse have him find a real woman who would? Men most def don’t think of it as cheating so we shouldn’t either. N the advice in here us good join in w/ him like I said I was against it till i got older n agreed to watch to n i actually enjoyed it not the porn necessarily but just spicing it up it was hot n it made me realize he wouldn’t rather watch he wants me porn is just an alt for when he really wants to get off n I’m either to tired or busy n i bet your man feels the same given the chance i bet he’d pick real sex w/ you ne day! One more thing for the women saying fantasizing is wrong it’s really not n there isn’t one person alive who has never fantasized. We r human and we have eyes and labidos lol i mean cmon specially after so many years w/ the same person. It doesn’t mean your not attracted to him or he to you it means your human. I personally think if your secure w/ yourself n your relationship then this stuff won’t bother you so much get upset bout the serious stuff let him watch his porn it’s nothing to him or you. O n ladies justa hint you can learn alt from porn new moves n stuff so can he fyi it’s not all bad i personally wouldn’t want him spending money on it but free internet porn is nothing. What’s 5 min when your his whole life.

  11. From experience of walking in on my daughter’s father with another women i would say i’d preferred if he would of watched porn, and no we aren’t together anymore. Can’t bring with someone I can’t trust to be faithful.

  12. My husband watches porn but it doesn’t bother me because if we had sex every time he was in the mood, we would be at it all day long. Men think about sex 90% of the time so I’m perfectly happy letting him do his thing without me occasionally. If I start feeling jealous or left out, all I have to do is say so. I love my man and if he needs to relieve himself and I’m too tired or unavailable, then it’s kind of his right to be able to let 1 off by himself.

  13. Why would my husband look at porn when he can get it anytime he wants it?! I think it is disrespectful to look at other women because even those women are airbrushed. They are not perfect and neither am I. It puts the thought in man’s head that all women are supposed to look like porn stars and if they don’t, then they are not attractive enough. I dont look at porn and i expect him to have the same standards. Looking at porn is for immature teenage boys who do not have the ability to get some. It is unnatural and makes women look like objects instead of romance partners. It is not a thing that guys just do and I am tired of the media saying this. Men have control of their bodies and minds. If a man loves his wife, he should respect her wishes. If she feels it is cheating, then that is all that matters. Sex is an act of love between two people. It is the most precious gift you can give to anyone. Pornography destroys that intimacy. And without intimacy, physically and emotionally, a marriage is doomed.

  14. I’d rather they be pleasuring with porn than another person… if they have a sex drive that crazy and need it all the time, maybe they need to seek professional help? If ur sex life affects the rest of your life – you might be looking in the wrong areas for help.

  15. I think cheating is cheating. Do I care if my husband watches porn? No, because I don’t consider that cheating. Does it make me feel good if he looks at porn? No, but he is his own person. He doesn’t even watch porn though, but if he did, I wouldn’t be butt hurt about it. Cheating is anything physical, from kissing to intercourse. Harmless flirting is not cheating. Looking is not cheating. As long as he isn’t touching another woman, it’s fine. He would never cheat, nor would I cheat on him. We respect each other too much for that.

  16. I personally feel that looking at porn isn’t cheating, maybe the deeper issue is a need for a connection that’s not just physical

  17. I thought I wold comment as a man and a father. My wife was one of the narrow minded women against porn. It was her narrow mindedness and judgmental attitude that ruined our marriage. My current lover has no problem wit porn and our sex life is great. So much so that porn is a non issue for me now.

  18. Pingback: How Porn and my Wife Ruined my Marriage | The Reinvention of Man

  19. So you are saying that she is what drove you to porn initially? That you weren’t satisfied with your sex life that you turned to porn? Just curious.

    • One reason i looked at porn was because she had alot of sexual hangups. She didn’t want to do anything adventurous. I’m not even talking about anything too freaky, lol. Another reason was I am definitely a very horny guy. I would have liked to have sex much more than we did. It seems that she was just screwed up in the head about sex. I had to realize that it was her problem not mine. The unfortunate part of all of this is how it screwed me up in my attitude about sex. She shamed me for my normal and healthy desires and thus I felt shame after a while. It took some time to fix that. Now any new woman I am with I make sure she is has a healthy attitude about sex. Also I love the making personal videos and pics made by couples and you women for your men. Its a great type of foreplay too.

  20. So my bf watches porn everyday maybe 2 to 3 times and wont have sex with me I ask why and he blows it off…I jus think if hes so horny why not have sex with a live female in his own bed rather than jack it to porn…am I.not pretty or is he falling out of love with me cause we use to have sex non stop

  21. hey maybe the guy is bored . But i think that maybe a guy might truly get more involved with his wife if he married her for love or sex ? love stories can happen

  22. Hey ive been with my hubby for 4 years married for 3. When the relationship started everything was great we watched porn together and everything and if he did it behind my back it didn’t really bother me. About a year later I had my daughter I didn’t gain any extra weight and didn’t let myself go, oursomething that still good, but I started getting jealous. I told him I didn’t like it and wanted him to stop I explained how it made me feel etc. And over the past 3 years I’ve caught him in the act time and time again and we fight about it. I know hes not physically cheating on me but it still hurts and I spice it up in the bedroom and givenhim the most amazing blow jobs (srry tmi lol) idk if I should leave him I don’t want to I love him but its made me so angry I told him I would. I ask him what is it about me that he doesn’t like he says im the hottest thing ever and I satisfy him so I ask him why?? I know men are pretty much animals lol full of testosterone but why get off to other chicks? To me its like im beneath them and constantly comparing myself to those girls I feel like im not beautiful enough or just not enough. And it makes me feel heart broken cause to me when hes getting off to them hes not looking or thinking about me but those girls. like if you love someone why something that hurts them. Call me sad, pathetic and insecure but just being reall…

    • Mia, communication is the key. Or should I say CALM communication. Also make sure your not shaming him for his desires. I’m just speaking from my own experiences. Now that said, I don’t know why a man wouldn’t want a real warm wet woman to have sex with instead of watching porn. It seems your giving in bed and you are in reasonable shape.

      I think now I understand what my ex felt and how it made her feel insecure. Maybe it was because of the effects of having our daughters. The one thing that i wished I could have told her was that it was her beauty that set the standard for me. I think that might have helped her understand that there was no competition.

      Maybe he has an actual obsession with it. I have a rule when I am in a serious relationship. I learned from Married Man Sex life. Its the cum in her or on her rule. Meaning that every orgasm I have has to be with her. Alternatively everyone she has has to be with me. What this did was associate all of my good feelings (orgasms) with my GF. I am single again but my next actual relationship I am going to introduce this rule to her also, whoever she may be.

  23. One thing I want to add real quick is that there are waaay to many people in the US who have a really unhealthy stigma when it comes to sex and nudity. Take breast feeding. You have alot of people that freak out if god forbid a womans boob is shown while shes feeding her baby. My ex breast fed both of our girls btw. I think this same attitude is connected with some womens dislike of porn. Not all mind you, but some. For the women who have men who look at porn and refuse to touch them, thats wrong, especially if she pregnant and wants sex. I see alot of men do this.

    I do have a question for you ladies. My ex got really horny while breastfeeding our 1st. She told me she even orgasmed once. Is this common? I have wanted to ask this question for years and never found the right venue.

    • Thank you thank you monkeywerks. Its good to see it from a guys perspective. It’s not like my husband hasn’t tried to stop watching porn he just goes back to it. I personally like getting off to porn, but when it clicked that it bothers me when he did it I stopped because it would be very hypocritical/one sided. I have however, too get back at him I left up porn on my laptop with like 3 guys with big dicks and 1 girl to see if he felt like did (probably wrong approach I know). I guess over all I’ve become very jealous and insecure…and yes it’s sad. And that’s how it would like it to be I would like him to cum with me pleasuring him only not behind my and.vice versa.I also forgot to mention im pregnant with our 2nd baby a boy. I’ve never heard of women getting turned on while the baby is breastfeeding….the most ive felt is if hes looking at me while im breastfeeding I may wink and give him a sexy look trying to say “I wish u were doin it lol” sorry I can’t help you with your question.

  24. Mia, The key question is what happened to make you insecure about porn? Reading what you wrote tells me you had a good body image. Is it the changes you went through because of motherhood? The thing is that it seems you 2 at least are able to talk about without too much judgment coming from you. That is huge. I dont see porn as an addiction but an obsession. One I even have to fight in my life. Show him MMSL and Athol Kay’s advice. The good thing is that YOU are still attracted to him. Tak to him about it. Read MMSL and maybe use that as a template of sorts.

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